A personal post
I am starting to think that I will never be free from what my brain is inflicting on me.
Being away at university obviously has its plus points. Independence, meeting new people, a fresh start, discovering new things and exploring new ideas, immersing yourself in a subject that truly interests and excites you, having fun while you're young and all that #YOLO stuff. What I'm feeling at the minute is the backlash from coming back home. It happened at Christmas and Easter, and I am fed up. Change in routine is not great for me, it shakes up everything I've settled down and calculated for myself and effectively feels like starting again every few months. The contrast in environments puts a weight on me each time I switch, and all I really want to do is shake it off entirely.
Going away with - as my mum puts it - 'eating wobbles' was never going to be a walk in the park, which is a shame, because I love walks in parks. The whole process of applying for university in the first place was marred by the state I got myself in. At one point I wasn't sure if I'd even be finishing Year 12 let alone getting A-levels and going off to uni like everyone else. I had no clue if I'd be well enough to go 2012/13 or if I'd have to wait at home and watch all my friends move on from our sleepy little town because I wasn't well enough to go, and I couldn't begin to predict what sort of grades I'd get given the stress I was putting myself under. I only considered unis that had catered facilities, as no one really trusted me to make food for myself, which meant ruling a lot of places out.
There were days away from home where I didn't eat as much as I perhaps should have, but generally it doesn't particularly cross my mind. I feel in control and able to choose my actions, not dictating my day or social situations around food and comfortable plodding along at my own pace. I feel like the best steps I've made in getting better have been as a result of being at uni. The food in college isn't always great, let's put it that way, but I eat a fair amount and spend a huge sum on biscuits, yoghurts and other snacks to keep me going.
Every time I come back home it's a massive step backwards. Because most of my family are out all day I'm usually in charge of my own food, which even though I could sort out I inexplicably don't. I don't feel hungry at home, I don't particularly have any desire to eat any food here, all my old anxieties bubble up to the surface again, eating socially becomes difficult. I'm worried that my life's going to stay in this crappy cycle of steps forwards and backwards. Like a hope-inducing, misery-inducing, emotional pendulum of disordered eating. No sooner than I feel like I've made progress is that snatched away from me. It's tiring having to go over the same old ground and problems repeatedly. To be honest I'm giving up hope where I once was optimistic and convinced of eventual success. Putting in the monumental effort to eat when I simply cannot bring myself to is proving too much of an effort to maintain day in, day out.
I really want to know that one day this will all be over.
Also as a student I face a similar problem, and am dreading going back to university in September, and even considering dropping out all together. How have you dealt with things, or not, so far? And how do you plan on coping when you go back?
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've gathered I think it's a common problem for students with mental illness, even though it can feel completely isolating at times. I've also considered dropping out but by mapping out all the 'pros and cons' of doing so I realised that I'd be happiest by staying, as long as I made the effort to get involved and keep active.
DeleteIt can be difficult at the start of every term having to adjust from my routine at home to the new pattern, and on my 'down days' it's difficult as I still feel like the friends I've made at university don't know me well enough to help. Generally I find talking does help, as people care and want to find ways to make things better. I also tend to make a list of what's bothering me or making me anxious, then rank them in order of most-least significant, then cross them off the list as I think of ways to combat them. Putting worries into perspective like that, giving myself nights off, making the effort to go to societies/go out with friends for a meal, treating myself kindly and talking to my family at home helps when I'm struggling to cope. Academically I try to limit myself to a few hours work a day, I try to work from 10-6 and leave my evenings free but this doesn't always work!