Reasons to Recover

A personal post

If you've read the little About The Girl tab, or some of my other posts, you'll know about my EDNOS diagnosis. In brief, it's an eating disorder that began from long term deep-rooted issues with food and reared its ugly head in sixth form. In contrast to the other conditions I suffer from, it's one that I strongly feel the desire to eradicate from my life. But as many of you will know, unfortunately you can't just click your fingers and be done with a condition once you decide to overcome it. It feels like it's taking forever and often I forget how far I've come. Sometimes I just want to give up entirely and this is the list of things I remind myself I want to change by leaving disordered eating behind me.

Without struggle there is no progress

• I want to know I will always be able to eat at a restaurant/at someone's house without feeling sick
• I want to be able to eat in front of anyone, and not have to revolve/organise my life (or other peoples' lives) around my eating problems
• I want to stop the panic attacks
• I dont want to be ashamed of myself, or feel that others are embarassed of me
• I want to stop wasting food due to not being able to finish it
• I'm fed up of my hair falling out and constantly feeling freezing cold
• I want to be able to have more confidence in myself and my abilities, and be more comfortable with the way I look
• I want to live the life I had planned out for myself before I got ill
• I want to be able to go out and be around people without constantly comparing myself to others and fearing being judged
• I hate feeling hungry, faint, and nauseous
• I want people to stop feeling sorry for me and worrying about me
• I want to be healthy and have more energy and motivation
• I want to break the cycle of being consumed by negative thoughts and living life in misery
• I want to have children, one day
• I want to be able to look behind me and know I conquered everything that was thrown my way
• I want to help other people

Don't call me crazy...

I realise this was a few days ago now but I've needed a couple of days to myself recently. Figured I'd do a piece on the BBC Three documentary that aired as part of their 'mental' season earlier on this week.
The show, called Don't Call Me Crazy, broadcasts the inner workings of one of the many young mental health units in the UK.
Viewers witnessed teenagers struggling with a range of issues, OCD, severe depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self harm in a very raw and real way.
I feel the show did a lot to break down negative stereotypes, such as OCD sufferer Emma explaining that the condition isn't merely liking things neat, it's a deep compulsion to do things a certain way in order to avoid severe repercussions. She also said the very poignant 'OCD doesn't define who I am' which helps to paint the image of mental illness not being a characteristic of the individual. Beth-who was in the unit for anorexia-a beautiful, bubbly girl, similarly said that people fail to understand mental health problems because they can't be seen.
It was brilliant to see the people on the program have their own identities and lives outside of the disorder, like 'normal' teenagers do. Loving college, dancing, films, messing around and dying their hair.
I'd say that the documentary, although accurate and shocking, focused too much on the outbursts and negative episodes, with very little attention paid to the treatment the guys in there received. We saw Emma enter and leave within a dramatic space of time, with no examples of treatment for her disorder. Similarly there were a lot of scenes of screaming, wall-punching, face-down-restrained teenagers, and images of young people huddled in a corner with blankets over their heads. The overall outcome was a rather bleak one.
As the program progressed the story of Beth developed and worsened. I nearly switched off having to see her struggle to eat carrots and a protein drink. The turmoil she was so clearly going through made me feel sick and fearful. Eventually she was sectioned under the mental health act, and as she wept I did too.
Unfortunately since the show aired she has faced a few spiteful people on Twitter commenting about her weight which is incredibly dismaying, but the outpouring of support for Beth in response to this was encouraging.
It was an emotional, troubling, saddening program to watch. I'm glad it was made, I'm glad people can see the horror mental health problems can cause people, and I'm in awe of the brave teenagers willing to be filmed at their most vulnerable points in their lives, but I don't think I can bear to sit through next week's episode.

Video of the day...Company magazine's 'skinny club'

You tell 'em girl. The battle between censorship and common sense comes to the fore when such silly articles are published with no accompanying warning/opposing view/real-life statistics/medical advice. I could only read half the article in question.

A tragedy worsened? Amy Winehouse and bulimia

 I've tried hard to make sure this piece is not triggering but please take care

I wouldn't ordinarily engage in speculative writing. All too often thinly evidenced articles are bounced about which essentially say someone - by this I mean a celebrity -  'looks' like they're having a breakdown, or that sources (who are in most cases very far removed from whichever individual it is) have indicated so-and-so has been eating less/drinking more/taking pills. Ultimately it amounts to damaging hearsay about a real, actual, in-possession-of-emotions, person's private life. This however I feel is different. In a piece that's all over the internet today Alex Winehouse, brother to the late Amy, has stated in his first interview since her death that his belief is that she died of bulimia. 

Amy died almost 2 years ago aged 27. I can remember finding out, through twitter, that she had been found dead and my reaction was bizarre. I was saddened, disappointed and shocked, but for some reason I wasn't surprised. I know this response wasn't unique, Amy's battle with drugs and alcohol had become public, as had her relationship, with photographs plastered in every newspaper of her apparent deterioration. With her brother's detail about her ongoing problems with eating it could be said that everyone was too quick to judge her lifestyle. She was a beautiful artist, with feeling in what she sang, and her brother's interview has only made listening to her music sadder for me. I'm noticing lyrics that I didn't before, and the meaning that could be behind them.

Alex said that despite the recording of misadventure for her death, 'what really killed her was the bulimia' because her lengthy fight with it had made her 'weaker, more susceptible.' He was recorded saying that Amy had developed the illness in her late teens alongside some of her friends, but had never herself managed to stop. The last thing I read of his interview was stressing the need to raise awareness of bulimia - a 'dark, dark issue' - which is definitely something I'd support. 

From my own experience, barely anyone has even heard of EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) despite the fact that according to some statistics it accounts for more diagnoses than all other eating disorders combined.

 People hear eating disorder and assume restrictive eating, when in many cases that description doesn't fit. Although most people have basic knowledge of what bulimia is, true understanding is rare. The prolonged torment it causes is hardly ever spoken about. I've 'exhibited bulimic tendencies' within my EDNOS diagnosis before and all I'll say is they were the worst months of my life. Bulimia can, unfortunately, affect people for years, and hearing of Amy's connection to the illness has made her story all the more important to share and learn from.

Video of the day: Cameron Russell, Looks aren't everything

Video of the day. The Time You Have (In Jelly Beans)

Here is a beautiful video showing how precious every day really is, but also giving the perspective that one bad day is not the end of the world. Food for thought. Yeah bad pun I know.

Concealment culture?

I've just read this NewScientist article about the existing 'taboo' that surrounds suffering from a mental illness and revealing it to others with confidence.
Despite a wave of celebrities openly admitting and embracing their mental health problems it would seem the majority of normal every day people still fear the stigma of being 'crazy' or incompetent, and so hide their diagnosis from family, friends and colleagues. This instantly saddened me, but what affected me more was reading that almost 80% of people with depression experienced discrimination because of their condition in 2010 alone, and that a quarter of sufferers have been rejected from job positions because of their mental health.
Erm, are you freaking kidding me?? Firstly, I would just like to say that, really, if your work environment is one that couldn't possibly be accepting of any mental health that wasn't 'perfect' (and there is no such thing, don't kid yourself) then quite frankly I wouldn't want to work for you. But I can't say I'll always be able to be as picky, what if times are tough and I need that job? If you discriminated against me because of my gender, race, age, sexuality then that's a big no no, mental health is kind of....meh. Unfortunately people still seem to feel that if you're depressed/schizophrenic/anxiety-ridden/obsessive compulsive then you'll be of no use to their workplace and a drain on sickpay etc etc. I am just as competent as the next person you pluck off the street, and it riles me that one day I may feel like disclosing my mental health history on a job application isn't in my best interests.
There are two quotes I remind myself of when I'm feeling particularly aggrieved at the naff hand I was dealt by the Gods of brains. One is something my lovely GP said to me, and the other is from Bill Clinton, from whom I don't ordinarily take life guidance.

'Depression, and any mental illness really, is only a flaw in the chemical make-up of your brain, not a flaw in your character.'
'Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all' - Bill Clinton

The piece cites Ruby Wax, who is famously outspoken about her own experiences with depression and one of my girl-crushes. She's funny, she's human, and in an amazing TEDtalk she gave last year (which you should definitely make time to watch) she said something that completely rang true with me:

I guess what got to me most was reading about the cyclical nature of mental illness. Society still has a bit of an issue accepting and understanding ill-mental health, so those who are given a diagnosis don't reveal it to others, don't want to embark on any new relationships and because of this feel more alone and excluded and more unable to reveal their condition. Equally, everyday man-on-the-street doesn't challenge his perception of 'normal' or of 'depressed' because he doesn't realise that actually his own son has depression, and so did the girlfriend he had in uni and Joe from HR at work and his great-aunt Margaret. Work places don't want depressed people in their work place, so none of their existing employees feel they can disclose they've been having a hard time recently, no potential new colleagues apply disclosing a mental health issue and the work environment remains an unhealthy one.

Time to Change and other movements like it within the UK and across the world are undoubtedly helping to change the idea of what it is to be normal and what it is to be afflicted with a mental health condition. Whilst I feel confident that the stigma is reducing and changing, I'm worried that it will never disappear entirely, and that as I grow older I'll be faced with the dilemma of choosing whether to openly reveal my history at the risk of being shunned or discriminated against or stay quiet and feel like I have to face everything shamefully alone.
Of course with the rise in employers using the internet to research potential candidates there's every chance someone is reading this right now. In which case: hi there, please give me the job!

Love these ads from Time To Change

Proving that cartoons and monsters are by far the most effective way to get a message through to the general public

Ok so let's talk about that Vice editorial...

Jumping on the bandwagon is what I do best.

Dear Vice magazine,
I know controversy is perhaps what you do best, that whipping up a storm with a risqué shoot or topic could sell more magazines and that being edgy is of the utmost importance, but you appear to have forgotten a little thing called decency.
Whilst I am sure that your fiction issue was intended to pay homage to some of the greatest writers we have ever known in a thought-provoking way, perhaps getting models to present suicide as some form of glamorous fashion statement was pushing the boat out a little too far. In fact I think your boat has sunk in a very catastrophic way judging by the fact you've removed every trace of the spread, besides your meager apology, from your website. Maybe you've realised that someone should have stopped during the brainstorming session and gone "hang on a minute, portraying 7 female writers as they're about to commit suicide might be a little bit tasteless..." Were you trying to cause outrage?
Your intentions seem honourable:

The fashion spreads in VICE magazine are always unconventional and approached with an art editorial point-of-view rather than a typical fashion photo-editorial one. Our main goal is to create artful images, with the fashion message following, rather than leading.
“Last Words” was created in this tradition and focused on the demise of a set of writers whose lives we very much wish weren’t cut tragically short, especially at their own hands.

Showcasing great writers and their famed work next to the sadness of suicide, the impact it has and the desperation faced by those who take their own lives would have been beautiful, but in fact what you did was to ignore the authors - no mention whatsoever of their work was made throughout the editorial feature, as if to say their suicides were the most significant aspects to them.
Oh what great respect to these writers you claim to admire you demonstrated by displaying one of the models sprawled on the pavement in an image taken from above, and another having slit their wrists but yet looking flawless, not a hair or pearl out of place. I particularly loved the tribute paid to Sanmao, telling the readers where to buy the tights the model was pretending to strangle herself with was touching - who wouldn't want to buy those tights after seeing such an endorsement?! Including stockists and listings of the outfits worn in these charming shots is a fantastic way to prove that you aren't concerned with fashion in the slightest, and that you had your 'art' hats on rather than your money-making ones. God, get over it, using suicide to sell a look is so in right now.
In no way am I suggesting that we shouldn't talk about and draw attention to suicide, but to do so in a way that trivialises 7 brilliant women's deaths by relating it to style is sickening. This kind of content should have been shouted down in the first instance it was suggested. I'm slightly worried for the future of journalism if no better alternatives were proposed and no one involved with this project could highlight the blindingly obvious flaws with 'sexing up' suicide. Tact is key when handling such a sensitive issue. Iris Chang, author of The Rape of Nanking, has been dead less than 9 years and left behind a 2 year old son. What right do you have to dress a model up to imitate Chang seconds before her death and name that a twisted tribute when the grief is still being felt for her loss? Would a better piece not have been to have featured models styled as these authors (there's your money) alongside thoughts detailing their contribution to the world, the importance of their work, and the tragedy of their deaths?
Your 'apology' is simply empty words to me, your hundreds of thousands of print editions are still freely available, and with the internet being what it is those images will be immortalised. Dedicating an entire issue to female creative minds was  innovative and brave. Featuring models coldly re-enacting suicides and giving the pathetic excuse that such images are honouring the authors, delivering a standard, corporate, one line apology to anyone who was offended, was unforgivably senseless and an insult to the writers, their work and all those affected by suicide.